church community

we americans have something wrong with how we look at traditional church. we program and look at success in numbers and building.

the Global Disciples came to church again today. they assist local discipling endeavors in ethiopia, india and nepal. the energy and inner christain quality is infectiose and humbling. they persue being a christian by choice. its a life style not a membership. we americans generally do have a mind set of belonging to an orginization or a catasgory. presbyterian, calvanist, reformed, bible believing. all good but also can become a source of exclusion and pride.

to live as a christian. to live Christ like . to be a christian, a disciple of Christ. moment by moment. so that being is everything where ever we are. how do we do it or become it?

some ideas: to our fellow congregant we or i need to perseve each meeting as an opportunity to not have bias but to guenually desire their well being and spiritual health.

more to come im to tired to spell chch

testimony

life through shattered dreams

there is a God who reminds me as i lay in the gutter of thoughts that He is there. the little voice, the chickadee that sings or the child of a stranger nearby that plays the bloom of a plant otr the cloud in the sky. i am always aware that He God is there and He is active and is laying out a road well ahead of my steps.

1994 we moved from Iowa. my business didn’t make it and I lost hope in myself, my wife and family felt it and it grieved me. a new beginning in lancaster. my new job was just right….then the company was bought, my hopes of being someone big in the new company was dashed, to many personality clashes, i still didn’t know myself. so i quit…i was really hopeing to be sought after and brought back but that didn/t happen.

at this time i was going to westminister to church , was going to sunday school was going to wednsday service was on the prison worship team monthly delivering songs and bible study to groups of male prisoners, was visiting one on one with prisoners. when i quit my job it all stopped…..i was really anger.. angry with God my self who i didn’t know, my wife because she was close by.

i had to go look for work, interview after interview left dashed hopes pile up. at times the dam of anger they held would bust and i would be yelling at the steering wheel of my car for absolutely no reason.. God ruined my ministry didn’t he know i was in all the services at church. didn’t he know he needed me?

bang….i was playing church. i didn’t know my God was as deep as a rain puddle, not relevant. yet there was a chickadee singing near by. as i was looking for work i did self employment work , cleaning and painting apartments in lancaster between renters. started landscaping doing paver patios and building ponds and water features. i enjoyed this yet it never took off to a point of sustaining.

boom….i went to a counselor. one that deals with sexually abused and people dealing with addictions. i was able to unload everything that was dam-ed-up. from early childhood to now i didn’t, hold any condemning thought. this was a turning point to tell another human christian all the badness that i am.

sparkle…. God is now bigger than my imagination of an ocean. my thoughts , the anger , the anxiety attacks slowly left as i learned to re frame the condemning thoughts that held me captive to playing at being a christian. i am now a christian not by what i do but by who Jesus is.

we live in our own house, we are buying it not rentingwe enjoy the neighbors and everything about the hood. this blows our minds. God has given us a pleasure as we continue to find ourselves in Gods’ will. the road is still being laid out where we are to go with this moment in time.

my mind is sirred by pornography and bad thoughts. there is a stream of trash running through it all the time even now. i am in a constant re framing mode about what goes on in my secrete mind no one now knows of. God is still real and Jesus is everything and there is no condemnation to those in Christ Jesus. but i still deal with it. he is bigger then the thoughts that condemn me.

i was three when my mom left my dad. i grow up without him. once and a while church men would try to connect with me but nothing consistent. my mom is crippled she taught at the school i went to in grade school, she would always fall and i would always be called away from play to lift her. no friendships where cultivated in the early years that lasted over a years or two. in six grade we moved to an inland town in florida, i learned bad things on the side that haunt me today. i was left alone allot while my mom was living her searching.by ninth grade i was having sex, smoking weed, trying to buy speed . God mercifully spared my by allowing me to only buy the fake pills.

my mom knew something was so up that she couldn’t handle, she sent my to a boarding school in Iowa. there i discovered what a Godly man looked like i discovered fanny crosbys song His Eye is on the Sparrow i know he cares for me. i discovered Jesus my friend for life. i learned the reaction of death my step father of a year and a half died of a heart problem. life and death was more real.

this is a small snap shot of who i am how am am still being made in to the likeness of Jesus Christ. I am very mindfull of the handy cap , of people on the fringe…who don’t make friends in the main stream easily. i am an only child and that has issues of its own. namely we are lonely all the time. i get depressed very easily. crowds are safe easy to hide in. when ever i talk in church sunday school i feel like an idiot after ward. this is who i am…when will i know who you are?

a time like this

After reading the biblical story of Esther it occurred again to me how purposeful the routine and mundane aspects of life are. every one knows how important Esthers role was but there is the eunuch the carpenters who built the gallows. every one was doing their small routine task and God used it to further his purpose. proverbs says the steps belong to man but god plans the path.

who doesn’t feel useless and wondering how their life fits the big picture or if there even is a big picture. Esther’s story gives hope.

jury duty

monday morning we woke up early to do the newspaper route. then i got on the turnpike headed to philly by 5:30 a.m. what a ride a regular steve macquine ride. i found a parking garage near the court house and drove to the roof. this is still pre dawn but the east is light now with great anticipation. i found the staircase and jogged down then up and down-this is so cool.

then i walked around the historic area where the bell is and the old court house that the declaration was drafted in. walked by the house of the artist who painted george washingtons portrait and by the philosophic society. founded by william penn i believe.

then as the sun blazed the sky line i found a much needed star bucks and had my quad-latte. could a morning be more perfect?

time to get to the courthouse. as i placed my back pack on the exray machine i suddenly realized i may be placed in jail, i had a garden pruners at the bottom. fortunately they took it and gave me a number to get it back upon departure. close one there.

there where 50-80 of us in the jury selection room. this was a good experience. i was the third person called to be in a jury selection for a civil suite. 25 of us were usured to a court room with all parties, lawyers and judge. the people being defended and the accuser were there. so the judge asked a few questions and any one affirming had to raise their hand and go up to talk with judge and two opposing lawyers. one questioned involved family business so i went up. then after the several questions the lawyers compared lists and picked 8 jurors. i was not so Lucky to serve.

the rest of the day from 1030 to 430 involved sitting in a large room with lots of chairs and reading the books i brought.”when the mind hears” a history of the deaf. and one on urban ministry in sandtown baltimore . this also included a 10 min nap!

then the final best thing i picked up sam and went to “pats steaks” one of the premier cheese steak places in philly.

who are i ?

most of the time a survivor. and alot more of the time then i want to admit a cranky old man.

sams class was asked this when he went from 8th to 9th grades. a rather wise question to ponder. some times i am a prefesional greenhouse grower. all the time a husband and all the time a christian and all the time a father ,wether or not all those moments are good ones for me and them.

this question is one to keep asking . we answer by who we want to be like or by what system we want to model.

seperation

i grew up wondering about my dad and guessing what he was like. wondering what he looked like and sounded like. my mother would cry when i asked so i didn’t ask. they separated when i was three. this is part of the thread that propelled me into anger and a feeling of not being wanted or loved. i grew up thinking of my self as a lonely only child.

i wanted desperately for my uncles to adopt me as brother and my cousins adopt me as a sibling. they didn’t realize my inner intensity and thus went their own way.

being able to pinpoint why anger swells and why self defeating feeling rise is important. because you can identify why and take preventive measures of re-framing what you think. we get into the habit of telling ourselves lies about our selves then we believe the lie. we need to teach ourselves a new how to think. how to think about ourselves. differentiate between lie and truth.

frame work comes from truth. we know some basic truth about ourselve:

we are human just like everyone else, rich or poor, cripple or strong….we all have need of love to be and to give, ….we all make errors in math and spelling….we need comfort and we can give comfort….we have personal responsibility for our hygiene ….we desire our own space to be respected and in-turn respect others….

most people who are angry and grouchy need love more

more latter

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